Forced Changes

I seem to lose friends in fazes. I was dealing with it fine until recently. Now, the few friends I have I do not really want to spend time with. I guess I am just tired of people using me to their convenience. The few people that don't, well, they seem to be leaving. Tony is moving to Washington or something like that with some girl he says he has met. Christina is, well, Christina, I can not say much on that. Kandyn does not really visit me at all anymore. Matt works all the time. Mike is always busy. I know some cool guys from Wal~Mart, but I do not want to make this change. I like having a lot of friends. I think having morals and being a nice guy has hurt me in the long run. I went to a party last night, it was pretty fun. I am not even really excited about this business trip and my promotion. I should have known my life was meant for struggle when even going to college ended up being a bad decision. Penalized for wanting to better myself. I almost want to sell my car, quit my job, and just buy a cheap vehicle to live in and drive around the US or join some cage fighting circuit. I just want some direction, God. Actually, I would rather some hope. I am not even depressed. I just do not care for working hard, being a nice guy, not killing people for breaking my things, taking care of my body, and giving myself away for nothing. It makes me feel insignificant. Love. What is it? I used to believe in it, but the more I meet people, love is someone who will do for you. Love is that person who will give you their all. I do not think I want that if that is what love is. I just wanted someone I could talk to, have fun with, hold, and enjoy life with without all the drama. I guess I just want happiness is all, or at least an opportunity to earn happiness.

Deep Thinkin' . . .

I've been spending a lot of time deliberating over my life. I am not destined for greatness nor do I feel that I want it. I would like to raise a family in a very comfortable situation. Not overly wealthy, but no chance of financial problems. This, might be a problem because I do not know what I want to do. Well, that was a lie. I want to do everything. I want to learn. I enjoy learning, but I don't have any money to pay for it, so I have to come up with a way to do this without killing my future career. Right now though, pretty much the only thing keeping me sane was a drunken call from a girl I miss dearly. She does not even know, but then again most people do not notice those things. Hmm, I guess I just need to figure out how to be happy, and I hope it will all just turns out well. Man, I need people to hang out with more. Otherwise I'll just keep thinking about this crap. Hah.

Hmm

I just don't know. I don't feel bad, but I don't feel good either. Like I'm in a rut. No money. I got friends, but they are usually working, or annoying. I just need to find a better job. Then, I'll finish my current projects and save up money over the winter. I still can't believe car insurance is so expensive. I don't know how it went from 450 a year to 4500 a year. Bullhonkey if you ask me.

-Current projects-
Fiberglass trunk
Make amp rack
Build sub box into trunk
Reupholster well, entire car
Fiberglass the doors
Put dvd player and screen in car
Fiberglass in ps2
Get new tires
Fiberglass the 4 12s in Scott's trunk
Install Dad's amp
Get good at guitar
Get into shape
Get a close girl
Get a steering wheel
Get a crossbar for racing harness.
Get 2.5" tubing for exhaust
Get box intake or magnum
crane cams 12s
Jic forged pistons
eagle h rods
magnum head
5 spd manual conversion
new pedals
2 3.5' Audiobahn AS31Q OR AS31V
2 6.75 Audiobahn AS62V
Inline fuse
white underbody lights
4 6 inch white light tubes or led strips
Hook up bass response system
finish smoothing panels
finish painting panels
paint car in 5b-51347 or granite pearl
paint white stripe design down car
Ghost black smoke down side
Suspension
God, so much to do to this car...
I love it though. It's like the only nice thing I have got.

That love thing, if it exists.

After thinking about past relationships(or lack thereof) I have been stumped by the same question each time. Why is it that I am always in second place? Never really last, but never ever first. I do have to say that I am not attractive. Some say I have attractive qualities, but I am not attractive as a whole. This does not help my plight. I am rather a fine example of an introvert, as well. I think quite a bit and don't show a lot of emotion, this, most likely, is another one of my downfalls. I am picky, too. I seem to pick the most beautiful girls I can find and befriend them, and then fall for them. Well, in one case she found me, and was found in my lap every second period on black days if I remember. What is so bad about me? Is it because I am not going to college? Is it because I do not care about the typical stereotypes that society has created? Yes, I'd like to be fit, but no it is not more important than work or my hobbies. I doubt that a six pack or firm lines would have helped me get these girls that I have chosen. I'm sure it would have led to a lot more sleeping around, but that is not my ultimate goal. Happiness is my ultimate goal. I know I usually dote upon these things quite a bit, but I want to solve this. I plan on asking my ex-loves(infatuations?) why I was always just second best? Why was I always just a hair too short or too late? Why was I never chosen? Why was I always a bridesmaid, but never a bride? Well, maybe not the last one, but you can get the general idea. Does love really exist? Or is it just our carnal instincts making our bodies malfunction into making stupid decisions and becoming dependent upon the accompaniment of that 'one'?